i don't think i can blame the upcoming promos for my negative thinking. it just gave some help by putting me in a mood where i can think seriously. helps to pull me back from my own world which i am contented to stay locked up in, into reality. i don't think of it as my own special fantasy world; think of it more as a form of Escapism. (the last time someone told me that word didn't exist, i checked; it does) and no wonder people always say that my blog is filled with... mostly things they're not interested in.

also in times like these i realise that i have problems in trying to keep my emotions in check. i'm pretty aware that my negative thoughts, if not managed and channeled properly into productive things, can be quite self-destructive. (ya please laugh all you want)

i'm receiving signals that my mind is trying to resist stronger than ever to steer away from what i'm forced to do to. guess during times like this i start to write and play the piano more than ever, and the driving force and motivation behind all these is reflected very clearly. reflects some sort of frustration and the L word that i hate to admit.

i'm always honest with myself, to the point that i sometimes hate that aspect about myself and i try to ignore it.

honestly, i think dreams are made up of nothing. they either make or break you, and i've never really put much hope on my 'dreams'. right now, they don't mean shit to me.

honestly, i don't like myself that much but i've come to accept all the things i hate about me as, truly me.

honestly, i'm so unsure about so many things about my life that i don't want to go through it without having a clear direction. i lack courage. this is a rant that i often... rant about.

honestly, people can successfully make me feel like shit easily. make me feel like there's something wrong with my thinking, that my thoughts are either always contradicting or incoherent. i know that. that's why i don't like vocalising my thoughts and opinions often.

honestly, i am emotionally detached. very much so. people who used to be close to me slowly walked out. sometimes, i'm too tired to get them back. friends who i'm close with now, one day they'll go too. it's a vicious cycle, bet on it. i live with it. everyone dies, so you walk a full circle and you're back to the same square one. you're born with nothing, and you leave with nothing, that's how i see it. bullshit about wisdom and love and whatthefuckeverelse. as much as i'm thankful for people who i have right now, i'm scared about what will come later. i don't like disappointments and i don't like lies. but i know i can't hold on to anyone/anything forever, so hey, i don't want to have much to do with anything in the first place.

honestly, though it's nice to feel happy (like your heart actually weighs something) once in a while, i'm pretty (contented?) to feel void. no wait, i can't stand feeling void all the time. i get frustrated about it, i hate it, because i don't get why other people don't feel the same way. or maybe they do, but why do i take notice of my own detachment so much? in My world, however, i think it's okay to feel void. i'm contented there. there's no one else to rub it in my face.

at the moment i'm greatly concerned about playing Chizuru on the piano, because there are no piano sheets online so that leaves me to figure out the damn notes for myself and i'm strangely putting this one place before my promos on my priority list.

&i don't like the fact that i might not be able to keep in touch with my host family. the big force out there, please do something.. conjure a miracle! don't need another disappointment. i'm not sure if i'm even upset about it screw thissssss.

this post was only meant to be one sentence long but i guess sometimes i don't know when the hell to stop.

[edit]
someone gave me encouragement. said that for motivation, you gotta have faith, because you can never be ready for anything in life. made sense; i was fuzzy for about 3 seconds, and then like water vapour, everything evaporates into nothingness. i don't know why, but i just lost that feeling faster than you can think. i keep admiring other people's courage and then i wonder when will it be MY damned turn to take off.

i have problems with faith, i don't even want to start and try to believe in it. it's not something that i can make sense of and explain, that complex thing.

studying with the girls at the airport was rather productive (: i did geography dun dun dun! i phail at math. you know you're stressed out when you:

1) go to the toilet 239852934 times and think you have diabetes,
2) use a huge pink paper clip to pin your hair,
3) have a table of five people using calculators as handphones

of course besides being busy with studying there were lots of hilarious laughing moments but being the forgetful person i am, my short term memory refuses to feed me with the exact details. but i did remember that:

1) we enlightened julia on the art of eating oreo wafers without staining your teeth
2) were amused by the amount of tissues she could use (so she should totally team up with yanting)
3) you should never let kelly wear flats
4) clare was disgusted by her own tissue because she apparently mistook hers for julia's tissue full of snot
5) kelly can eat a burger in a span of... 6 hours?

then again i chewed on this huge glucose pill, supposed to make me feel high and awake but it didn't really do so. but i'm feeling the after effects now. i'm REALLY drained and i feel like dying XD clare took two at one go i think she should be sleeping till christmas now. and what, the directions on the back of the box said that a normal serving size was three pills?!

never invite kelly to eat at restaurants, as a word of precaution. you won't want people to associate you with weirdos. and tell her that you wanna save money and she'll probably bring you to this 'above average' restaurant, watch you eat while she doesn't order anything, and then watch you pay. hah, okay.

*insert random stuff here* i can't email my host family because my email keeps getting sent back, like the email address doesn't exist or something. i followed exactly what my host mother wrote for me, so could it be she wrote it wrongly? gah this is making me frustrated i want to beat up a ketchup bottle. i hope she replies to my snail mail then, and that my package actually got safely sent to her! if not, i'd be damned.

and this is to all those who think that you can't have penguin as pets! PET PENGUIN IN JAPAN GOING SHOPPING WITH A BACKPACK CHECK IT YO!!! DIZ BE TEH SHIZZZZ!!!11!111!



it's so cute i nearly died. okay i lied i didn't die but i cried XD i SO want one too, my stuff one right now doesn't reciprocate my feelings at the moment (or probably i should learn the language of Squeak and decipher what it says) and unrequited love makes me upset D:

and other more random stuff:
- in love with Interview with the Vampire. Lestat is totally your vampire on crack.
- i'm highly amused by Pon's blog because he wrote that during the recording a cockroach appeared and... well let me just take out an extract (credits to secret alice's translations)

However, a cockroach appeared a while ago.

Tora was scared, it was so funny. (laugh)

I caught the cockroach and tried to make it go outside, then Tora brought scissors.

This is wrong~

If scissors is used, it will cut in half and it will be a real tragic incident.

I didn’t tremble.

The cool Tora has this kind of look as well.

But this is also part of his charm.(sic)

hmm, and i though Tora was badass like, BIG TIME XDDDD this is totally how you should kill a cockroach man! using a pair of scissors 8D what's so funny is that one will think that Hiroto should be the one getting afraid of cockroaches and Tora would be the one to come to his rescue but nooooooo~ Tora gets scared and comes in with a pair of scissors wanting to kill it and Hiroto's all 'nooooooooo this is wrong! love all animals and insects!~*~* <3>

Labels: 8D, etc, jrock, penguin

fall in (love), & fall out

Labels: etc, jrock, muse, write